ive avoided therapy my whole life because i hold the opinion that it is not helpful. i dont believe i would be able to articulate my feelings accurately enough to receive care that would treat me. only i know exactly what i mean when i say it and other people dont know what i mean, just what they hear and how they interpret those words. the words i speak are tied to ideas and emotions that are stuck inside of my head no matter the vocabulary i employ.

i wish ridding myself of the emotional burdens or whatever was as easy as meeting with some miserable cunt via video chat every couple weeks. what a joke. to avoid falling into the clutches of some overconfident underpracticed psych college student ive talked to myself. internal dialogue has made baby steps feel like leaps and bounds torwards a less burdened and more free version of myself but, sometimes a thing that bothers me is painful to think about. so it just keeps hurting. because instead of having an internal monologue about it i just avoid it.

i know running from things only delays healing but some things just dont feel like they will ever heal. or its embarrasing how caught up i am in an emotion or a memory. or its exhausting to dig up gravestones that ive spent years defacing. its all so exhausting

im so in love with the idea of hating her but i think thats just a mask behind which my embarrasment lies. im embarrased and i was mocked. im faulty so i was tossed out. nothing will make me feel confident during intimacy like i was before her. im not a lovergirl but... you shouldve seen me before then. i was scared but pushed on anyways. i was confused but remained confident.

tragic.. how the wrecks of my past line the shoulder on the road to my future. i wish i could just forget her. i want to forget. i cant see her without fight or flight taking over.

it feels like its been a while but its barely 2 weeks. anyways ive moved to a new home and im very comfortable here. its nice to live alongside all women and feel included without and conditions. my new room is so huge that im going broke trying to fill it with life - stressful.

the bathroom is pretty too. i have the bathroom all to myself and enjoy taking pictures of myself naked in the mirror. for the first time in my life ive been looking in the mirror and smiling and giggling and hopping around. 4.5 years and im so so so cute. cant wait to see how i look next year. i only get sexier and more femenine. i love being a woman.

id like to decorate my room with trinkets or prints or faerie or bike or bunny things. im imagining a space in my mind that is comfortable, exciting, modular, and soft. the bedroom will be split in two between a sofa/table setup and a bunny themed den (bed area). ive decorated the bathroom with a rainforest theme i guess? its got vines with leaves on them hanging from the ceiling. the walls are pastel teal and while tile all around. i have this big leaf rug on the floor and its really fuzzy. because its a leaf but it so big i feel small and thats so lovely.

i picked up another bike project and havent touched it. i think i should do that today. we will see. im still out on the bike often learning about the area and how to get around safely. its fun to discovery new routes, parks, or other community spots.

moving into an apartment this weekend that will hopefully become my home for a couple years. id like to return to having a personal space to work and unpack my mind. i think its important to decorate your home with things that bring you joy, but thats hard to do when you move around a lot.

i hurt my ankle ~3 weeks ago on a pogo stick at a clown party. it hurt like hell and still isn't entirely healed. i didnt go to a doctor or ER to get an xray or have it looked at. based on my training with first aid and having paid attention during the human health courses in high school i knew it was a minor fracture and a couple pulled muscles. knowing this i bought a boot and crutches and have been taking it easy - ibuprofen as necessary.

i was at a party recently and kiss so many people i lost count - maybe 6 in retrospec. so fun! i love to kiss and be held. i love to have gentleness struck upon my heart. i love to meld the metals of affection on the anvil of my lips. i love to grip my partner with the confidence of a knight.

do u have any idea how embarrasing it is confessing to ur hg how torn up u are over the girl that love bombed u?? anyways im feeling better and more stable. grown woman btw > / / / / <

as im reading this i recall the last trasition season i witnessed - spring in maryland. it just felt like a summer if it were empty calories. the asphalt parking lots got hotter rather than flowers blooming. oregons thousands of colors reminded me how connecting with the local nature grounds me. i was really connected as a kid and forgot why i ever did all that.

i used to go backpacking often - typically right after spring - and it showed me how to read weather, plan for the season, and care for myself when its harder than usual. i think cycling and backpacking share something similar in the way that they occupy my inner monologue's focus and keep me on track mentally. optimization ocd becomes less of my focus and i have more fun that way.

i got a new bike recently and i really love it. a 58cm fuji roubaix 3.0 with bontrager components throughout. the paint job is striking and attention grabbing so i look really cool. giant dt swiss series hubs and rims threaded together with carbon blade spokes. fork and seatpost are both carbon whith aluminum alloy making up the frame and cockpit. shimano sora groupset with a fuji lasco crankset - 18 speeds. feels like driving a sports car compared to everything else ive ridden. i hope i can find some casually competetive girls to ride alongside soon. ^ _ ^

it feels really satisfying to learn, employ, and profit from the skills i learned just a couple months ago. super grownding and rewarding.

quick update on old plans; i wont be going to portland. i lost interest in making portland a home when lots of friends and community showed up where i currently am. still figuring out housing.

a very pretty girl came into my life recently and were entangled in this really awkward and intense situationship - that gives me a lot of anxiety. i've been worked up about developing feelings, rebuilding clingy habits, and decentralizing myself. although these are these i can mitigate by setting boundaries with myself, ive always broke those boundaries down in the past. couldnt figure out why until recently.

i think im eager to jump at the opportunity to increase my self-worth and self-confidence. because of that i tend to develop really dependent relationships because of the affirmation i receive from partners and how that inflated my self-worth and self-confidence. bad idea - obviously.

detaching my self-worth from others is hard for me because a lot of my world view was build on the knowledge and experiences of others. by allowing their opinions and habits to guide my opinions and habits ive decentralized myself from my own life. i think what i need to feel healthy and sentient is to be grounded and present in my body (easier said than done).

she is so so pretty. her lips are so soft. her body is so warm. the amount of time i spend thinking about her is time not spent present in my own mind and body. hopefully you can see how getting romantically excited is stressful and deregulating for me. doesnt help that i broke my ankle and am forced to sit in bed (not cycling) until im better. fuck my lesbian life bro.

i visited my parents recently - took the train. by observing how my parents interact and reflecting on my own interactions with them i could see clearly how ive grown and what ive shed to become a better version of myself.

my dad is stubborn and ego-driven, which i always knew but could never see so clearly before now. ive spent my entire life trying to curry his favor through shared interests in engineering, design, and boyish hobbies. seeing him recently exposed his disconnection with the real world and normal people. he really does see himself as a temporarily embarrased millionare.

my mom is submissive and a walking-mat for my father. she apologizes frequently, lacks confidence, and is driven by her devotion to family. on my last day home i asked my mom a question that had been on my mind for a couple months:

<b>"what was it like to turn 30 years old?"</b>

she immediately deflected to talking about what dad or us kids were up to when she happened to be turning 30. i clarified that the subject of my question was her, not the kids or dad. my mom's first 7 years of marriage were described as scary, depressing, and lonely. she went on about how raising a family (3 kids at the time, more on the way) on her own was all she did every day. dad had coworkers, us kids had classmates... my mom had nobody.

<b>"how did those years make you feel about your marriage?" </br> "scared. i was worried we weren't gonna make it."</b>

i tried to hide tears from my mom for some reason ill never understand. it was so hard to see the strongest and most inspiring woman i know admitted to fear and uncertainty. i realized that my parents are doing this all for the first time too. it feels good to cry profusely and not hold back anything - i call it pushing tears.

i really enjoyed taking the amtrak, despite it taking 13 hours to get to and from home. the observation car is awesome cause theres tons of opportunity to take photos and chat with strangers. kinda fun to watch the world go by to the tune of johnny cash and willie nelson.

its hard to write something about my comings and goings or whatever im chasing after in the moment. that feels monotonous.

im moving to portland this september and look forward to getting hit by a car while riding my bike. id probably say "sorry, thank you" as i roll across their hood.

im taking pictures with my Nikon D70 now and have no idea what im doing. id love to keep my photography focused on more of a diary rather than improving skills or technique. seems more worthy of my time if i let myself be lazy.

the environment is dying and im having an existential crisis about it. crying in the morning and evening when i remember how beautiful the world was when i was young and how dead it will be when im old. i wonder if other life would eventually find a hard-drive with my tiny webpage on it. what if im the only girl they recover a personal diary about?

i want to love and i want to feel love. been loving myself more and more each day - i really do love myself and my mind and my body. im reminded how little my life impacts the lives of the few people that know me. guess that makes me kind of a pushover loser. or kind of like how the grass caresses your shins on the trail.

hi again! im excited to write a proper post to give more context to this website, myself, and why im making a website.

im in my late twenties and i love the outdoors. ive been cycling, camping, sailing, backpacking, running, and healthy for most of my life. im thankful to have such a blessed upbringing that made being an athlete at a young age a reality. i could go on about those various topics, but recently ive been getting back to cycling - and im falling in love all over again. i grew up pedaling redondo beach (ca) on a medium sized, red and rusty, cannondale mountain bike. it was a rigid frame and fork with a 16-speed shimano gear set and shimano rim brakes. i still think back fondly on riding to and from track and field practice during the summers of high school, or to and from sailing practice in middle and elementary school.

during my recent stint in maryland i picked up a beat up cannondale road bike with an impressive and racey-looking aluminum frame, disc brakes, and complete shimano gear set. fun bike! but pretty beat up and i had to ditch it before coming back to oregon mid-summer.

now in oregon i ride two bikes: an old shwinn road bike and a trek marlin 5 mountain bike. both fun bikes!

id love to turn the schwin into a single speed or a fixie and fix/clean up the trek bike to sell it. as a city-cyclist ive enjoyed the versatility of the trek - but i rode the schwin along the river path today and fell in love with the speed. what a blast to ride! i hope to be back and forth from the bike shop over the coming weeks to build the schwin.

thats all i have for today, thanks for reading!

the air quality in oregon (and all of the northwest) has been very bad recently. this is a big bummer cause i cant really get out on my bike with smokey air and poor visibility. i went out today to take something to the post office and barely made it there and back alive... the climate is big and full of power - scary!

this is an example of a post. its got text, but not much flair. i cant figure out how to format text documents with markdown formatting into an html document. whatever, plain text is okay too - i guess. im happy with the progress so far.